When discussing abuse, we often think of physical battery. However, abuse takes many other forms and tends to follow a similar pattern.
Types of Abuse
Verbal Abuse: name-calling, insults, mocking, and put-downs designed to demean.
Mental/Emotional Abuse: gaslighting, isolation, humiliation, and attacks on self-worth.
Financial Abuse: controlling money, forbidding work, or sabotaging a partner's finances to keep them dependent.
Physical Abuse: hitting, shoving, restraining, throwing things, or any use of physical force or intimidation to control (even if they do not physically harm you).
Sexual Abuse: coercion, pressure, or force around sex, including within a marriage or relationship.
The Cycle
Abuse doesn’t typically start on day one. If on a first date or early on in a relationship, someone punched a hole in the wall, most people would immediately leave. It starts subtly and builds.
Typically, the cycle follows four main phases: peace, tension building, an acute incident, and reconciliation.
The relationship can start off seemingly “normal”, slowly or subtly shifting into one marked by snide remarks or an increase in arguments. You start to monitor what you say and how you say it to avoid causing any fights. The frequency and intensity of these disagreements keep increasing until, one day, there is one explosive argument. Your partner might yell and demean you, throw things, threaten to harm themself, or physically harm you. You both know it was more than just another fight. Your partner makes excuses as to why they did it or maybe even apologizes and takes accountability. They may be extra kind after this: taking you on dates, watching that movie you’ve been begging them to watch, or even planning a big trip. Things seem to be better and back to “normal” until tensions start to build, and you find yourself walking on eggshells again.
The cycle leaves the abused partner feeling confused.
Confusion is a hallmark of the cycle of abuse.
How could they do something that hurts me then be so loving and doting?
It’s not all bad.
Maybe I’m misremembering or blowing it out of proportion.
You’re not.
If you find this is the cycle of your relationship, journal, confide in your friends, and please consider talking to a counselor. If you are unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
If this sounds like a pattern of a couple you know, stay aware and try to provide support for the abused where you can. You can’t make your friend leave an unhealthy relationship, but being a resource can make a difference.
Note: Many times, this lack of accountability takes the form of “DARVO”: Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Deny: “I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. You’re so sensitive.” Attack: “You’re always so dramatic.” Reverse victim and offender: “You’re always picking fights. You never listen to my side of things.” If this is commonly how your partner responds to you expressing how they hurt you, it may be more than consistent miscommunication.
Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
TTY: 1-800-787-3224
1-866-331-9474
TTY: 1-866-331-8453
Victim Connect Resource Center Helpline
1-855-484-2846
State Domestic Violence Coalition
Florida Partnership to End Domestic Violence
24/7 Toll-Free Florida Domestic Violence Hotline (English, Español, and Creole): 1-800-500-1119 | TTY: 711
24/7 Legal Hotline (English, Español, and interpretation available): 1-850-385-0611 | TTY: 1-800-955-8771
Address: 660 E. Jefferson St., Suite 102, Tallahassee, FL 32301
Office phone: 448-666-1987
Email: info@fpedv.org