Why Won’t My Teen Talk to Me?

“Just wait until they’re a teenager.”

Most parents have heard this ominous warning at some point, but now you’re there. Your child is getting older, and they’ve pulled back from talking to you about their day, friends, and life. You’re where those who came before you warned of. But why? Am I not a “cool” parent? What did I do to make them not come to me?

The answer is simple: nothing.

Well, likely nothing. Developmentally, this is a normal progression. Congrats! You’ve kept them alive for over a decade, and the reward is another huge developmental shift that changes the rules of engagement. 

Just like the toddler years, your child’s brain is growing, developing, and fundamentally changing. Teenagers are developmentally more prone to seek support outside of their families. They’re also wired to seek new experiences for the dopamine their brains are craving. Throw in the hormonal shifts of puberty, and you have a perfect storm that leads to your teenager icing you out. 

So, the good news is that this is developmentally very normal. The bad news is that the relationship changed, and what used to work doesn’t anymore. Where do we go from here?

As kids grow up, the rules of the house change, and your role as a parent shifts. As their parent, your job is to keep them safe, and as they grow up, what that means changes. You’re no longer keeping your toddler from shoving their fingers into every crevice imaginable, but you’re trying to make sure they don’t make life-altering bad decisions. The transition into adolescence is almost always one of the hardest because it’s their first big shift into becoming more independent. That’s terrifying as a parent! 

The hard part is giving them some of the independence they’re negotiating for and doing it safely. The goal is to create guardrails rather than a box; with too many rules and strictures, they’ll often feel less comfortable coming to you when there really is a problem. 

One “guardrail” might be making sure they have “safe adults” to go to who aren’t their parents; this could be an aunt/uncle, a youth pastor/mentor, a therapist, or even a sibling or cousin. They’ll still go to their friends who will enable some dumb decisions, but they’ll have a wider safety net of people they trust and who you trust. 

They’re still growing and developing, so they don’t get to make all the rules for their life. However, by showing them you see they’re getting older and can be more independent, you make them feel more trusted and understood.

With teenagers, that increases the chance that they will talk to you.

If you’re interested in the cognitive development of teenagers, this video is a great resource that goes much more in depth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1pf1xTMUng